About a Boy

There are a lot of scenes in this movie that really "get" to me. The main one is when Grant's character realizes that we can get a lot more out of life by spending it with people. Besides, Hugh Grant and Rachel Weisz are both HOT and two of my favorite actors.

Dark Thirty

Dark Thirty is now 5:15pm. Last summer it was 9:30pm. Here's a picture of my back yard at 6:30pm.

The Christian advice about worry* is one of the most difficult things for me to conquer.

I know that life, my life anyway, is filled with instability. Change is real in my world; in all of our worlds. Everyday something is changing. Sometimes significant and other times not so much. As I plow through a "crisis" and things begin to stabilize for a minute, I often look back and think, "that which does not kill us will make us stronger". I have no idea what the context was when Friedrich Nietzsche made this particular statement, but taken at face value I think I say this to myself as some sort of validation that the "crisis" was worth the fight or some sort of comfort to help me cope with the change that crisis brings.

As I'm in the middle of "crisis" I will remember this phrase. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I start thinking, "Well, maybe it is ok. Maybe there is a point to this madness." Occasionally it helps; often it does not.

The other morning I woke up at 1am. My thoughts immediately went to the things that worry me and as I was laying there, staring off in to the black night, as black as it is an hour after Dark Thirty, I thought about the struggles. The pain. The shame in some respects. The people I have let down. The work that needs to be completed, started, carried on. And god the debts, the I owe yous. These are the things that keep me up. Oh, and let's not forget the relationships and all the weight that they carry.

I find very little comfort in this life. Sure, there are brief moments when I feel relaxed (sex and booze). But in the end, I am left with my thoughts. The same goes for any other "drug" I take. It always ends up with the thoughts, the voices, in my head. I look up to the Heavens and wonder what the hell is going on, what the hell am I doing here, why does this even matter, does it matter, etc, etc, etc...? The questions are infinite.

Some find comfort in God. In religion. In the relationships that they have formed with fellow religious sectarians. But I find very little comfort there. To be completely honest I find little comfort anywhere. I suppose the most comfort I feel comes from personal relationships; from the handful of people that even remotely get me or care to. But at the end of the day, or the beginning, I am left with the thoughts that I am alone. That the decisions I have to make are mine to make. There is no one else that can or will make them.

On any given day all of us have to make decisions, how will we treat people, how will we find a way to do our jobs and responsibilities and duties. Will we sleep in bed until noon or get our happy little asses up and make a happy little life for ourselves?

I think part of my frustration (pressure, worry) comes from the fact that I have no idea how to break the cycle of (my) life and I have no idea where to find comfort. Maybe it is this feeling I have every now and then that prompts me to ask, what is the value of my life? What is the purpose of it and who cares? Why should I care?

Where have you found comfort (peace)?




*"Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater than food, and the body than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure to his stature or to the span of his life?

And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.

Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence was not arrayed like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

For the Gentiles wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

But seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness, and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble."

Song of the Week: Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars

I have been hearing this song on Alt Nation and thought I would share it. The lead vocalist is Jared Leto. He has been in several movies and from what Wikipedia says his brother actually started the band back in 1998. I like their sound and might check out their upcoming album, This is War.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/30_Seconds_to_Mars

Death Penalty

John Allen Muhammad, the DC sniper, was executed tonight. They are saying that he was peaceful when he died. One gentleman just stated that he hopes that the families will find some sort of closure with this execution.

Another man, Muhammad's trial lawyer, stated that this whole chain of events was a tragedy. Muhammad was apparently abused a child, he served in Gulf War 1, and his kids were taken from him. He snapped. Was he mentally unstable? What purpose did his execution serve? Was his execution truly just?

I struggle with this whole topic. I can certainly understand, though limited, with the victims families. If my family member were harmed by another person I have a pretty good idea of how I would want to respond. I would be angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, etc.

Then I see, or hear or described, this man being led to his execution. His death.

I truly have no idea what the "right" answer is. In all honesty, I have no idea what the "right" answer is. Most people that I have come to know on a personal level struggle with things every day of their lives. It is true that most of us, thank god, do not act upon these ideas, emotions, desires in a way that harms other people. Why do most of us hold our lives together and then there are others, like Muhammad, that do not? Why is that?

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Country Death Song"

Ok. This is it for the Violent Femmes tribute.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Kiss Off"

During my angry period this song was a great outlet.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Add it Up"

This song is bad ass.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun"

Do you remember the bands that helped you form yourself in your youth? Maybe some people don't have those bands, but I do. The Violent Femmes. So many memories come flooding back when I listen to their music. My next few songs in the Song of the Week club are going to come from the Violent Femmes. God I love this band.

Song of the Week: Johnny Cash "The Man Comes Around"

I wish I could have seen him perform live.

Ohio State Loses to USC

I was a little unsure of how today was going to end up, but now I know it was a good day. During the bachelor party we were cruising bars in the old market and several had the USC vs Ohio State game playing. I just found out that USC won 18-15. What a day this was!!!! Anytime Ohio State loses is a reason to celebrate.

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/32815691/ns/sports-college_football/

Zero

0

"He had come at last to zero, to a dark place where he had not only accomplished nothing; he had actually made matters worse. It was an awful truth, but a truth nonetheless, that coming to zero could deepen a person, could give one more to live for than one would ever have had otherwise - if it did not destroy him, if it did not devour hope beyond the spirit's capacity for recall.

"In that cold, empty room, with nothing except the very real possibility that he could let himself die of minor wounds, let himself die of guilt and despair -

"If you die, idiot - if you fold up and die like a wimp - who will watch after her?

"Who will watch her grow up?

"Suddenly Richard Sinclair was weeping, trying to find some last remnant of the demon Hope, weeping because he feared she was lost to him, and because there was nothing else to cling to." Page 407, Dust, Charles Pellegrino.

When I read this passage I had to reread it. Multiple times. It is profound insight into the minds of what some people go through when they have risked everything and are faced with the reality that failure after failure has cost them almost everything they considered to be valuable. The enormity of the situation, the expense of the war, the wounds of battle, have beaten them to a bloody pulp [zero]. A failure on a grand scale that impacts more than the person making the decisions.

This passage is real; for me.

The story does not end here. Richard rises up and moves forward. Richard is the man President Theodore Roosevelt describes, "who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Richard failed in his own estimation, but because he persisted he was triumphant. He never saw his victory, but history would remember him as the man who "strives valiantly."

**A special thank you to my new friend for loaning me this book.

Song of the Week: BM LINX "The Outlaw Jimmy Rose"

I like to listen to this song with just about any state of mind. Drunk, tired, depressed, pissed, happy, driving down the interstate doing mach 9. It makes me feel good.

Song of the Week: The Gossip "Heavy Cross"

Flashback! Some of us are returning to the late 70s and early 80s!

This is the cool video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU3VbMGIZeE

Friday Night: Rocco's Death

Dinner: Pizza and wings and wine.

She stepped outside. The red and orange on the horizon was beautiful. The sun had fallen below the tree line, but it had not completely extinguished for the day. The dogs, the little one and Ms. Piggy, ran out underneath her feet.

He poured some Captain in her glass of Coke and walked through the door onto the upper tier of the back deck.

“Jobi, Pepper get in the house now. Jobi, Pepper get in the house now. Jobi, Pepper get in the house. GET IN THE HOUSE.”

He was in a daze. It was most likely a combination of the two glasses of wine, his wife yelling commands at the dogs, and the bizarre noises coming from the neighbor’s yard. What is that noise?

“Jeremy. There is something over there. There must be some other animal over there. JOBI, PEPPER GET IN THE HOUSE.” As the dogs ran up the steps he ushered the dogs into the house. She was in the middle of the yard, “There is something over there Jeremy. What is over there I can’t see what’s over there.” Jeremy walked on the lower part of the deck towards the neighbor’s fence. Jesus, what was that noise, he thought to himself, what the hell is happening over there?

The world was cartoon like. It was an odd sensation. His wife was by his side. His dogs were safely in the house. He looked through the slats in the fence.

“They’re stuck. They’re stuck.” He ran to the gate, opened it, rushed across the side yard, jumped down the retaining wall. The world seemed to get brighter. The light shining through the trees. God it was so dim, but it was clearer than he had ever seemed to remember. On his way to the neighbor’s backyard gate he rang their door bell twice. His flip flop fell off his foot. He went back twice for it. God damn it. Why didn’t he have his shoes on?

There was a concrete block in front of the gate. He dug his fingers under the block and he felt the cool dirt fill the space under his nails. He flipped the latch on the gate and tossed it open.

He turned the corner of the backside of his neighbor’s house. God, his house looked different from this perspective. The world was different from this point of view. Huh. Amazing.

Jack’s lower jaw was twisted around Rocco’s collar. For a brief second Rocco looked at him. The sad eyes. The eyes were beginning to droop. Rocco was giving up. Rocco was leaving. In a split second the eyes lost it. They lost their spark. Shit.

He ran to them. Jack was struggling. Jack was still on his feet but his lower jaw was twisted and deformed with the collar. That has to hurt; bad, he thought. The collar had become a part of Jack’s face. They were intertwined as one. He tried to release the collar but it was pressed into Rocco’s skin so tightly that he could not unloosen it from Jack's jaw. The latch to the collar was twisted around Jack's lower jaw in such an odd way. Jack was stuck on the lifeless body of Rocco.

She magically appeared behind him. “I need something to cut Rocco's collar off. I can’t get them apart. Shit. Go get something quick,” he yelled at her. She ran back to the house as he continued to get the dogs apart. God damn it. His blood was racing. What the hell do I do? He thought. Think man. Think god damn it. Fuck. She seemed to be taking forever.

He ran back to his house, opened the door through the garage yelling for her. He ran back to the neighbors and she was trying to cut through the collar with a dull box cutter knife. “It’s not working,” she screamed in desperation. For a brief second, a second that felt like an eternity, he stood there watching. His one thought was, fuck, what the fuck do I do. He ran back to his garage. He grabbed a hedge trimmer (shit), he grabbed the branch clippers (this is taking too fucking long) and he hurriedly took three other gardening tools.

Over in the neighbor’s backyard she was trying her hardest to get the dogs apart with the dull box cutter. He threw the tools on the ground next to the dogs and grabbed one of them. The small one with the curved blades and the red handles.

“Keep hold of Jack and I’ll cut.” He was pressing hard against Rocco’s neck. Damn the collar was tight against Rocco’s neck. “Rocco’s dead. Think of Jack. Just cut the fucking collar off,” the thoughts accelerated as the seconds past. He dug the cutter deep into Rocco’s neck. He pressed harder than he had ever pressed his hand against a body. It was a flash. “I can’t get the collar cut, shit.”

“Try the branch cutter, it is sharper,” she said and as he reached for it; the collar snapped and broke loose.

"It's off. It's off," she shouted. Jack ran towards the back corner of the yard; thankful to be loose no doubt. Jack didn’t know these people. These people weren’t his humans. Who the hell were these people? Jack was visibly shaken. The living dog walked over to his dead companion and began to sniff. The couple stood there in shock. She looked at him, then Jack. “Come here Jack. It’s okay Jack. Come here.” She walked toward Jack and he ran towards the back of the yard again. She is so amazing with animals, he thought. She always knows what to do with them. She knows how to gain their confidence. He was glad to be her partner.

“Hey babe. Just grab the tools,” he was tired. He was crashing from the drop in adrenaline. It was hitting him all at once.

“We have to make sure Jack is okay. We can’t leave him here.” Jack was trotting back towards Rocco as they backed away towards the gate.

“We’ll come back for him babe. Jack needs to say goodbye to his buddy. Just grab the tools. We will come back for him.”

They gathered the tools and walked out the gate. He latched the gate shut and placed the concrete block in front of it to make sure that Jack would not escape. As he turned the corner into the neighbor’s front yard he almost collapsed. She was a few feet in front of him. It hit them both at the same moment. It was over, but in some ways it had just begun. The emotions hit them both. They both had tears.

Time seemed to stand still. How long had it been?

They threw the tools in the garage, checked on Pepper and Jobi, grabbed Pepper’s leash, and went back for Jack.

"Change is Good. Revolutions are better."

"People are not buying these concepts that are completely foreign to America," [Senator] Inhofe said. "We're almost reaching a revolution in this country."

http://www.chickashanews.com/local/local_story_239102559.html/