One Observationist

Long time - New Town

2011-08-13T08:49:00.000-06:00

The last time I posted I had started a new job in a new city, Seattle. I was living out of an Extended Stay hotel and my wife was busy back in Omaha; packing, renting out the house, finalizing the move.

With all of the new things going on in life it was like sensory overload. New sights, new sounds, new smells.

I am regularly asked by people what it is like to live in Seattle and the best way I can describe it is like a working vacation. Obviously, with any job, there are people and policies that take some getting used to, but the job aside, I still can't believe I live here. I can walk six blocks down, look to the left and see mountains, look to the right and see the sound and more mountains. It's amazing. The beauty is like nothing I have ever experienced during an extended period of time. It has been in the 70s for about two months. I mean, 70 in August? Wow.

They tell me that winters are rough. Short days, cloudy, rainy. I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but I am excited about ridding my life of ice and snow.

Four months into this new life and I am thankful for a few things. It has been good for my marriage to leave Omaha. Not that there was anything wrong with Omaha (there was for her), but it just felt stale. It was a similar feeling as going over to a friend's house and realizing you overstayed your welcome. Another plus is if I have to work it is awesome to live in a place with so many things to offer.

At the end of the day I still have a lot of the same worries and anxieties I had in my old life. My personality and disposition on life have not changed, if anything they have been reinforced, but it has been good for me to change the scenery and, among other things, it has bolstered my confidence in my abilities.

Here's to a new beginning and a reinforcement of things learned and experienced.

Failure; Matrix, Harvard Business Review, Jesus, and Me

2011-04-17T02:27:00.001-06:00

I watched a couple of the Matrix movies on TNT tonight and I was struck by the amount of failures. Trinity and Neo died, so did a lot of other humans. In HBRs latest issue I read about the failure of Blockbuster. One perspective by the last great CEO of the company and the other by the Activist investor that gained control as the company phased out in a whimper of self-destruction. And this all led to a thought about Jesus. A guy, whether you believe in his religion or not, who was murdered by a bunch of people that think like us. The good guy is taken down, but the implications of immediate victory are ultimately realized to be a failure.

And lastly I think about my time with a company that I helped create. A company that I left in the hands of another person.

My new boss asked me, “how could you just walk away?”
To which I responded, “it was a learning experience, like university. I learned more in those five years then I ever would from going to school.”
While I still believe what I told him it is apparent to me that there are things I could have done differently.

John Antioco, former CEO of Blockbuster, wrote, “And if I could turn back the clock, I might focus on….”

When I look back on my life there are undoubtedly things that I wish I would have focused on or different directions I wish I had taken. But, early in the morning, when I am looking my scraggly ass in the mirror, I realize I can’t. The only thing I can do is sober up and work a little harder at making today more beneficial (successful) for those around me.

Love Story

2011-04-06T23:01:00.000-06:00

Brown eyed girl. Yeah, really, she is brown eyed. Our story is one for the records books. It has more to do with fact than ego.

She puts up with my drunken ass. Why? Maybe it is because she KNOWS I love her. A give and take kind of thing. Maybe it is the weekly flowers.

Local Natives - Airplanes

2011-03-05T15:14:00.000-06:00

Here is another song that reminds me of losing someone and how important it is to enjoy every moment we have with the people we care about. To spend more time learning about people rather than judging them.

Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape

2011-03-01T13:46:00.000-06:00

When I was younger, before CD's, I can remember listening to the radio, blank tape in the deck, and hitting the record when a great song showed up. Sometimes I gave my tapes to a special girl, sometimes I kept them for myself.

I wonder where those tapes are. I wonder where the people I gave those tapes to are. I have lost track of a lot of people in my life. Sometimes for the best. But I wish them all the best; well, ok, most of them.

Re: Appearances

2011-02-27T10:12:00.002-06:00

My cyber buddy wrote an interesting post addressing the way people dress and publicly present themselves; Appearances.

This post made me think about how much of an ass I have been. My wife likes to dress and act in ways that I would consider outrageous. She likes to wear crazy shoes and hats and she sometimes gets loud when she is expressing herself. It makes me cringe. From an early age, it has been ingrained into me that these forms of expression should be suppressed in order to keep a low profile and act "christian" (whatever that means).

When I look back on my life there are certain things I have said and done that make me disgusted with myself. One example would be when my wife gets a little loud or dances around in a department store when a song she likes gets played over the speakers. Another example is when she buys a bright shirt or pair of pants. Negative comments and looks ensue. Like I said, I am an ass.

Yesterday, we were out walking around in Seattle and she found this flamboyant hat for sale. She tried it on and asked me what I thought. I smiled and shook my head a little. Then responded with, "let's get it. You would fit right in out here." She didn't buy it, but I could tell she wanted it. I should have grabbed it for her.

Anyway, I think it is shameful the way that I have acted towards her and the judgmental thoughts I have had towards other people simply because they have said or chosen to present themselves in ways that I would not do with myself. It would be a boring world if everyone dressed or acted like One Observationist.

Writing - Randy Wayne White

2011-02-25T16:52:00.000-06:00

Randy Wayne White had a few other comments that I wanted to pass along before I drop the subject.

1. Everyone over the age of 21 has a book inside them. If you survive adolescence then the book is waiting for you to write it.

2. Everyone has their own process for writing. Some people outline it. Some people just start writing and let the story create itself without any planning.

3. What if your great-great grandparent had written one simple paragraph about anything? You can look at a picture from that time period and it may or may not speak to you. But the written word can tell you a lot about where you come from. It can tell other people where you come from.

4. If you are a reader then you are also a writer.

5. If you can't find a publisher then self-publish. Be wary of the companies that want you to pay them to publish your work. It's probably a gimmick.

Besides being a great storyteller, it is apparent to me that Randy is passionate about helping aspiring writers. It is one thing that attracts me to his work.

Florida Book Signing - Randy Wayne White

2011-02-24T17:09:00.000-06:00

Last summer a friend of mine turned me on to a series of books written by Randy Wayne White. His latest book was released last Sunday and his book signing tour started at a restaurant by the same name as one of his main characters, Doc Ford.

During the question and answer session he reignited some thoughts I have had in the back of my brain for a few years. "Everyone over the age of 21 has a book in them by virtue of having survived adolescence. Many have the calling, but most of us fall for our own carefully constructed excuses. It is our readers’ loss."

It might sound kind of geeky and it is definitely book wormish, but we had a great time. In some ways it was inspirational and in other ways it was just flat out fun, especially getting burnt to hell on our kayak tour of the Everglades. What a beautiful area to explore.

Randy's website: http://www.docford.com/Site2/Welcome!.html

Bobby's Song by Speed the Plough

2011-02-23T17:45:00.000-06:00

I was flipping channels on the radio the other day and came across this one. It was the phrase, "it's just another train going by...." This phrase made me think about life and how fleeting it is. It makes me want to make sure I appreciate and grab a hold of all the little moments. The dull ones like sharing a bottle of wine with my wife while cooking wine and the fun moments like meeting one of my favorite authors in Florida.

Freedom

2011-02-11T17:51:00.001-06:00

It is not so often that I read a work of fiction that has the ability to move me and cause me to think about how I live my life.

Franzen does a spectacular job painting the problems that so many families have; drama. Though my family’s problems were different, the attitudes and flaws of the characters can be seen in myself and those of the other members. If anything, it was a fantastic reminder of how screwed up all of us are. Even when we think we have a right to be angry, disappointed, or whatever else we’re feeling at the end of the day I’m not sure we’re much better than the people we’re pissed with.

The other thing this novel reminded me of was forgiveness. As hard as it is for me to forgive people not forgiving them is a tragedy. I call it a tragedy because of the damage that is done by not forgiving. I think the act of doing it can help us push past the hurt, the pain, the anger. Of course, I understand that this is easy to say. And no, I am not exactly sure how to implement it in my life. Especially for those that have no desire to apologize or feel remorse for their actions or words. The fault could lie with me in some cases. I’m not exactly the type of person to tell people that I am upset or troubled by what they said or did.

Arcade Fire - We Used to Wait

2011-02-11T13:56:00.000-06:00

I think this could be one of the songs included on a soundtrack if they made a movie for the book "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen.

The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

2011-02-08T07:52:00.000-06:00

This song reminds me of a lot of things from years that have long passed me by; a time in my life that seemed destined for failure and upset and hope and promise. Opposing feelings, but that’s how my young life was; conflicting thoughts and feelings. I was trying to find myself; the in-between.

It reminds me getting married young; now we’re almost old lovers. I can remember holding each other; we were bitter; we were alone, together. We found love eventually.

It reminds me of how much I longed for an escape from childhood. I wanted to run and run and run until I found whatever it was I was looking for.

Small Business Lifestyles

2011-02-07T12:50:00.002-06:00

I sold my shares in a small business last November, but I still have a passion for small businesses and the roles they play in our economy. The other day, bored, grocery shopping at 1:30pm, I was browsing the magazine aisle and came across the Fall 2010 issue of Entrepreneur.

Page 10 has some interesting statistics:
29.6 million Small Businesses provide the following:
• 44% of total private U.S. payroll
• 64% of new job creation over the last 15 years

Firms with less than 20 employees:
• Pay 45% more per employee than larger companies to comply with federal regulations
• Pay 4.5 times per employee to comply with environmental regulations
• Pay 67% more per employee to comply with tax regulations

This data confirms my personal experiences. The companies (and people for that matter) hardest hit by government rules and regulations are the small ones. Or in the case of people, those of us simply trying to live a modest lifestyle. Why do you think that is?

I think part of the answer lies in the statistics. If small businesses create the most new jobs and contribute a substantial amount to government’s bottom line then it only makes sense that they are going to get screwed the hardest. With regards to the expenses per employee it reminds me of “Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand. Everyone and every company needs to have a lobbyist in Washington to fight for their causes, rights, interests, etc. Small companies can not afford this representation so, once again, they get screwed.

25th Anniversary - Space Shuttle Challenger

2011-01-28T08:41:00.002-06:00

It was 3rd grade. The teachers gathered everyone into the hallway, rolled in a television and we watched this. There was so much excitement in the air. The teachers had one of their own launching off this planet and into space. About one minute thirty seconds into the live feed the shuttle blew up. As students, we didn't really know what was going on. It wasn't really until the teachers started crying that we realized there was a "major malfunction".

Portishead - Sour Times

2011-01-28T08:12:00.003-06:00

Back story: It took me 15 years to find this song. When I was a teenager, I had this friend I used to smoke pot with. Every time we would go over to his place to light up he would throw this song on.

What is your purpose?

2011-01-12T18:32:00.001-06:00

“If you don’t like your life then do something about it.”

“Like what?,” I asked, “should I just come up with some miraculous solution?”

“You can do whatever you want. Instead you sit around here, playing your god damn video games, doing god knows what else. What purpose does your life serve?”

“I don’t know. I guess, at the moment, I don’t have a purpose. I walk around wondering what the hell I’m going to do today and the only thing I can think of are the list of to-dos around the house. I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I was reading earlier today about the vanity of life. How frivolous it is to pour my heart and soul into something and at the end of the day I’ll be dead just like all the other morons running around. What’s the point? Why not just do something that makes us happy? Happy in a way that we can help other people; help each other. Who gives a shit about the fancy cars and the pretty homes and the technological advances that distract us from the world? Working the part-time gig sounds like a great idea. It just isn’t worth it anymore. I’m sick of the sixty hour weeks. It’s stress I don’t want to deal with anymore.”

"God damn I’m sick of the race. I don’t want to keep up anymore because I just don’t get any satisfaction out of it. It doesn’t interest me. The appeal is dead. I just don’t know where to go from here. 'The sky is the limit.' Right?"

“Get creative,” she said with a look of disdain.

Fitz and the Tantrums - MoneyGrabber

2011-01-11T08:44:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, ok, oftentimes, I wake up in the morning with a song in my head. Here's the one for today!

2010 Book List

2010-12-31T17:52:00.001-06:00

One of my 2010 goals was to read 12 books, one per month. I beat it! Here's my book list for 2010.

1. Beyond Disruption by Jean-Marie Dru
2. Captiva by Randy Wayne White
3. Good to Great by Jim Collins
4. Jack: Straight from the Gut by Jack Welch
5. Last Words by George Carlin
6. Made in America by Sam Walton
7. Man and Wife by Tony Parsons
8. Me of Little Faith by Lewis Black
9. Nightshade by John Saul
10. North of Havana by Randy Wayne White
11. Outliers by Malcom Gladwell
12. Reimagine by Tom Peters
13. Santibel Flats by Randy Wayne White
14. Shark River by Randy Wayne White
15. Ten Thousand Islands by Randy Wayne White
16. The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen
17. The Financier by Theodore Dreiser
18. The Girl that Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson
19. The Girl Who Stirred up a Hornets Nest by Stieg Larsson
20. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
21. The Heat Islands by Randy Wayne White
22. The Man Who Invented Florida by Randy Wayne White
23. The Mangrove Coast by Randy Wayne White
24. The Patron Saint of Plagues by Barth Anderson
25. The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason
26. This is how it starts by Grant Ginder
27. Three Signs of a Miserable Job by Patrick Lencioni
28. Trophy Kid by Steve Atinsky
29. What’s Next Gen X? by Tamara Erickson
30. The Accident Man by Tom Cain

Units of Time

2010-12-17T11:29:00.004-06:00

The other day my wife came home and said, “so, what did you do today?”

“Well babe,” I responded, “I look at my life as units of time. You remember the movie About a Boy with Hugh Grant? That’s me. Went to the grocery store, 2 units. Laundry, 3 units. Dishes, 1 unit. Video games, 4 units. Read Shark River by Randy Wayne White, 8 units. Now your home and I’d like to do something else that takes 1 unit….”

I am finding that being unemployed changes the way I am perceiving and experiencing time. The days float by as if I’m in some mysterious alternative state of mind. Almost like being high except it doesn’t feel as good. People are moving around, the sun comes up and goes down, the snow falls, and I’m standing in my kitchen looking out the window watching it go by. Strange feelings.

I need to find a job, no doubt about it. I gotta get out of this twilight zone!
About a Boy, Units of Time

Christian Gene Isolated and Located!!!!!

2010-12-11T05:44:00.002-06:00

For a long time, perhaps since the dawn of humanity, gay people have been murdered, beaten, and had other ungodly things done to them. Look at the case a few years ago about the gay student out in Wyoming. In case you have forgotten his name was Matthew Shepard, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Shepard. Murdered. Even in today's "humane" society, gay people are discriminated against.

Not to mention the "soft" discrimination. I have a friend in Arkansas that is finishing up his dissertation for a Ph.D. For several years he has been a teacher in the public school systems. Last year he resigned his position. Why? His reasoning was that Arkansas administrators are not ready for gay teachers. Now, allow me to clarify a couple of things. It is apparent from talking to my friend that he is gay. There is no guess work when you meet him. Not that he's flashy about it, but you know what I mean. The second thing is that he is a good teacher. I have seen comments and notes from his students where he has positively impacted their lives. He is a gifted teacher, no doubt. But he felt pressured to quit because he was gay and he was "out". What a tragedy for our education system. Another reason why it sucks.

I think videos like this that make fun of Christians is deserved. And just for the record, I happen to subscribe to the teachings of Christ, but the more I travel through life the more I hate the term Christian. It has become such a negative description of the teachings of love, patience and kindness. I suppose the most glaring thing that bothers me about all of this is the people that profess to be Christians, but are truly despicable, deplorable and I do wonder if it is genetic; the ignorance I mean.

Here is an interesting article I came across while thinking about this post:
Jesus Christ calls Church's Treatment of Gays Cruel

Fences - Girls with Accents

2010-12-09T20:10:00.002-06:00

Another song that speaks to me!

Wallpaper is Down

2010-12-06T21:00:00.003-06:00

I have conquered the wallpaper! Wallpaper, according to Wikipedia, has been around since the 1500s. All I have to say is this: wallpaper sucks.

Happy Birthday Mom

2010-12-03T09:33:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to take a minute to give a shout out to my mom. It is her birthday today!!

Thinking back over the years, obviously, there were times when I was a child and she had to put a smack down on me (which I'm sure was warranted), but other than that I really can't think of a time where she was rude or mean to me. Mom has always been willing to talk about any problem. Not that she always understood, but she is always there if I ever want to talk. That's pretty cool to me. There aren't many people in my life that I feel that way about.

Hey, I'm having a terrible day, oh I know, I'll call ______. There are about four or five people that I can think of off the top of my head that would fit this scenario. Mom is one of them. Happy birthday mom. Thank you for being there!

Today Was a New Day

2010-12-02T19:32:00.003-06:00

I haven’t felt the need to write about anything political in a while, but the new releases by Wikileaks have prompted some thoughts.

I hate my government and I think it is cool that Julian is taking on the major governments of the world. Transparency at it’s finest. For those that claim this is going to kill people I want to ask one question, how?

And now for something personal. I haven’t gone to a “job” in three weeks. I guess I’m unemployed, but it is by choice.

Today I went to the pharmacy (government drugs), home depot for paint supplies, and the grocery store. I spent three hours taking down wallpaper. My god wallpaper is horrible to take down. Oh, and laundry and dishes.

Will I ever find something again that makes me feel like I am working towards something greater than myself? I hope so. I guess it’s the hope that helps me wake up and look my scraggily ass in the mirror.

Tonight: webinar on interviewing.

End of November

2010-11-30T19:11:00.000-06:00

We had a little snow last night and I thought this song was close enough. I remember being in High School when this song came out. I had it on cassette tape, hahahaha.

Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National

2010-11-29T16:14:00.002-06:00

Music. Music has invoked emotions in people since almost the beginning of recorded history. I post these videos simply because each one of these songs speaks to me on some level. Sometimes it has to do with relating to a place in time, sometimes it's an emotion. I love music.

The Fit

2010-11-28T18:10:00.004-06:00

At a certain angle, in a certain lighting scheme, the grays make lines. Different shades of gray. Go figure. There is a gray and it even has different shades.

A football game. The drive that sealed the deal.

A road trip, the first one.

A business trip, the first temptation.

The wind was wild today. Leaves flying. Garbage can lid banging around.

Change is painful. Not necessarily because of the loss of something but because it requires us to adapt. In order to accomplish our goals we have to analyze the situation, adapt to adverse circumstances, and find a way to move forward.

At the end of the day it takes a team. My cyberfriend, Austin, mentioned that he was a loner. I am too. At my core I want to be left alone, sitting in a room, drinking, playing video games, reading books, whatever. But I know that true success. The true meaning of life is building relationships with people and helping all of us find meaning. Core values come in to play with this. Be honest with people. Show humility, if you’re wrong then admit it because it builds confidence in others.

Admitting mistakes is looked upon as a weakness in our society. I AM THE BEST screams the piece of shit resume. Where did you fail? How did you overcome that failure? That is what real leaders want to know. What did you learn? How do you fit in with the overall plan, strategy, goal?

All of us, I presume, want to know where we fit in. How our roles make a contribution to society.

Where do you fit in? How do you help?

If you don’t know how you fit then ask. Someone will help you. There are a few of us out there that have a desire to help.

Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

2010-11-28T16:10:00.000-06:00

Thankful

2010-11-25T22:49:00.000-06:00

As I go through my new life I think about people from my past. People that have impacted me in positive and negative ways. I am thankful for all of you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Coconut Records - "West Coast"

2010-11-24T22:46:00.001-06:00

Divorce Episode 2

2010-11-24T22:34:00.002-06:00

“If you thought it was a great idea then why didn’t you take care of me?” The energy and concern in her voice caused me to pause.

“What do you mean? I did the best I could to tie up all the loose ends. Does your situation have a plan? Yeah, it does. Are you going to play along? Who the fuck knows? You’ve always drummed to your own beat not giving a fuck about me. When have you ever given a shit about me? Seriously, this fucking track goes two ways.”

“But you left me and made me feel unimportant. I spent a lot of time on you.”

“You made me feel unimportant our entire relationship. You never TSA probed. I’ll tell you exactly what I told him. ‘I haven’t been happy this entire relationship.’”

Silence. “Yeah, but I’m the only one who matters.”

“I know,” I said. “It has always been that way. That’s why we must go. I love you. If you need anything let me know.”

The sunset was beautiful. Oranges, blues, yellows, no – golds. Yeah. Awesome shit. When I look back on this I wonder what I will think. My gut tells me that I will know it was the right decision, but there is something else inside of me that says, “what if?” What if I had been a nicer guy? What if I had allowed them to keep kicking the shit out of me?

At the end of the day I just want it to end. Like Austin said, I just want the transition to take place. "Please don't call me anymore. Don't give me any more hope. I'm ready for the hope to die."

Quits

2010-11-23T21:43:00.001-06:00

“Here’s the deal. It started in March of 2008. If you can’t figure out why it is an issue now, then what? I’m the one with the communication problem? You never asked the fucking question. So, you blame me. I blame you. Should we call it quits?”

“Yeah. I think it’s time. We’ve given it all we’ve got.”

A Silent Film - You Will Leave a Mark

2010-11-14T19:34:00.000-06:00

The Cave

2010-11-13T19:33:00.000-06:00

Middle Class Rut - New Low

2010-11-12T19:28:00.002-06:00

Ghost and Aliens

2010-10-12T22:24:00.000-06:00

Ghost. Aliens. "To each his own." The high road.

I was thinking earlier today about death. Morbid; well, yeah. Death is morbid. But I was thinking about writing someone else's eulogy. Do you think someone lives a good life if they positively impact someone enough that someone wants to write their eulogy?

Life is a turn the other cheek experiment. And he taught us to do that. "Oh, it's what you do to me."

Mowing the lawn in October is one of the best feelings in the world.

Both of us liked Breakfast at Tiffany's.

The thing we have in common is that we are outcasts. We have been forsaken by the people that once loved us. The ones that still love us. We have been set apart and told to make a life. And we did that.

The eulogy. He was a good man. He accepted us for who we were. He was the guy that hung out with the orphans, the whores, the single mothers, the drug addicts, the outcasts... us. He was the one person that made us feel like we belonged to a family.

Every day we spend together is a special moment. You mow the lawn and I do the laundry. We realize that having children, for us, is a mistake. Why would we want to bring a child in to this environment? We don't. We live the moments.

Life is a turn the other cheek experiment. And he taught us to do that.

Our family left us. They fed us to the wolves. But we had that swing. We had the Strawberry Swing.

As we walked around, making childless decisions, we realized that at the end of the day all we had was each other. All we had was Breakfast at Tiffany's. All we had was the Strawberry Swing.

"We sat side by side in the
morning light
& looked out at
the future together."

And he was there too; like a Ghost. Wishing us, aliens, the best. Hoping we knew enough to have a little bit of faith.

Hey There Delilah (wife)

2010-09-27T20:25:00.000-06:00

I think about my wife when I hear this song.

My Head Was Killing Me

2010-09-27T18:39:00.000-06:00

My head was killing me. I was sitting in a meeting with a potential customer in Perth and a thought occurred to me. It is the same stories over and over.

Perth reminded me of quite a few American cities; Boise, Denver, Omaha, Indianapolis. A big city with less traffic and crime than the major metro areas.

Kings Park overlooks the down town sky line. Beautiful sight. Picturesque. Wish wife was here. It means more when you experience an event with someone you love. A Friday night in the middle of Winter. Calling it Winter is laughable. 60F. A week later in Calgary, Summer, and it is 60F. Winter. The sky darkens early like my Winter. Kind of sad.

The shops stay open until 9:30pm tonight. Nice. Normal closing time is 5:30pm. Guess they still have some traditions from their English heritage.

On a 737 to Sydney and my damn head won't stop pounding. Why do I book these early flights? I know why. Trying to make the most of the day. I'll be in Sydney before most people are even awake.

Decided to go for a walk near the Sydney airport. One more day and I start the journey home. I am amazed at how fast we can travel the world in modern times. Benjamin Franklin talked about it taking 30 days to travel from New York to London. Now we can get from Omaha, Nebraska to Sydney, New South Wales in about 30 hours.

On one hand I am appreciative of the opportunities I have had to travel. Few get to do it like I have. I get that. For the last three years I have been away from home almost as much as I have been home.

In Australia I learned that they have the same issues Americans have except their illegal immigration problems involve Asians rather than Hispanics.

I met a woman in a shop on Botany Bay City's main street. The politics, the education systems, the health care systems, etc. The same as here. Problematic.

At the Los Angeles airport I shared some beers with a 54 year old woman who raised two kids on her own and lost one of them last January to a disease. She cried when she talked about her son and advised me to write my wife handwritten notes while I am away. Make the little things count.

At the San Francisco Asian Art Museum I learned that lumping all Asians into the same culture is ignorant.

In Minneapolis I learned that spending a lot of money on sales and marketing needs to be followed up with documentation to see if the cost is really worth it. Is it worth the money? Is it worth being away from home so much?

I remember the early days of travel. The excitement. Seeing Golden Gate Park/Bridge for the first time. Standing on the top of the World Trade Center; Niagara Falls; Northern Nevada on a dirt road 70 miles from the nearest town; Sydney; Melbourne; Perth; the beauty of Vermont and New Hampshire; Venice; Stonehenge; Bath; the cathedrals-our palaces to God.

Mumford & Sons "Little Lion Man"

2010-08-12T22:01:00.002-06:00

When I first heard this song I thought about my wife. Now that I am a little older and have been in a relationship with someone for 15 years I look back on my life and realize how much I have fucked up. How much I still do?

I'm reading a series of books by Randy Wayne White, the Doc Ford series, and it is interesting to see the relationships develop from one book to the next. In "The Man Who Invented Florida" he makes the observation about a family on vacation. They take a wrong turn. Get frustrated. Have an argument. See something odd, out of the ordinary (like an old cowboy and an old Indian riding horses down the highway). And then they wonder why the hell they got so upset. Being lost ended up being a memorable moment. God, I hope I can get that. Anyway, this song kind of reminds me to chill out, not make so many mistakes. Enjoy the brief moments I have with people I love and care about.

Thinking about life

2010-07-21T22:59:00.000-06:00

Malcolm Gladwell, in his book "Outliers", posits that it takes approximately 10,000 hours to become a pro at something. It is easy to see this in sports. Are these people "genetically" prone to being the best of the best?

I don't think so. Some of the most influential people in my life and the lives of all humanity came from modest beginnings. But I'm curious what you think.

XX - Crystalised

2010-07-20T17:01:00.001-06:00

I enjoy listening to male-female duets. These two compliment each other extremely well. When I first saw this video I didn't expect them to look the way they did. Kind of like talking to someone on the phone and then meeting them in person. Anyway, let me know what you think.

I will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

2010-07-19T17:18:00.000-06:00

The one theme I love about this song is: having someone in your life that you would want to follow in to the dark. Do you have anyone in your life that you love enough that you would want to follow in to the dark?

When I think about my special someone. I wonder sometimes. What if she died? How would I react? I don't know. Don't have a god damn clue. But I do get some sense of what it would be like.

The idea of meeting up with her again after we check out is encouraging. Anti-afterlife people think this is nonsense. But I think that there is something special about humans. There are a lot of things going on in this reality that we don't understand. And I choose to believe that someday soon things are going to get a lot easier. Walking hand in hand with the one I love without fear.

Misc Thoughts

2010-07-18T20:44:00.000-06:00

I was on vacation in Charleston, SC over the 4th of July weekend and while walking down a pier in Folly Beach I came across this sticker, "Stop Bitching Start A Revolution."

I saw this sticker and thought it summed up a good thought or two. Like, if you don't like it then change it. Stop whinning about it and work on something that will help mold and modify the current situation. With regards to the U.S. political system, I don't know what I can do to change it. In fact, I'm not sure there's much any of the common people (like me) can do except wake up in the morning and try to carve out some balance, some honesty, some purpose in our lives. So, that's my thought for the day. What am I going to do today that benefits someone else? What changes can I make today that will help me live a more content life?

I want to wake up in the morning and feel ok with where I am at. Feel like things are going to work out.

Some people have a knack for doing that. It almost comes naturally to them. I am not one of those people.

Broken Bells - The High Road

2010-07-18T08:27:00.003-06:00

For some reason, songs like this make me feel better when I'm burnt out.

Here are the lyrics if you would like to sing along!

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858810745/

Loser 2: Rendition

2010-06-11T23:47:00.004-06:00

and then, i wondered. what if rich kid ended up leaving college, knocking a girl up, getting in to drugs. what if...

life is never what it seems, is it? our perception of reality is... what? ask yourself this, do you believe you know everything there is to know about your situation?

have you ever heard the phrase, the older i get the more i realize i don't know anything? i'm starting to feel this way.

as much as i rant and rave about life and the injustices, i realize that i really do not have a firm grasp on reality.

want to see something amazing?

(reality captured by an observatory camera)

when i think i am a bad ass motha and have life all figured out; have people all figured out then i take a look at the above picture and realize how little i really know about:

1. life
2. people
3. the extent of this reality

Loser

2010-06-11T22:40:00.008-06:00

Lie: I am worthless. Easy to believe, but a lie nonetheless.

I was 12; maybe. Though I only spent six months there I always had a connection to it. Kansas City. Freak accident that I was born there.

Little bro was with me. And we were at this rich kids house. His family was a member of our cult; ahem; I mean religion. Our little sect of Christianity.

We were playing on his family's land; in his family's big house. Upstairs. No adults. A lot of really cool toys. The ones I wanted. Wish I could find a way to steal them. Little bro says or does something and this rich kid punches him in the arm. Hard. I was shocked. Bro laughed it off. Maybe it was because I always punched him when he kicked my ass at video games and his arm had gone numb. But when I woke up from the shock I was pissed. Dude punched my bro and dude was my age. I could've took him.

Problem 1: I felt a responsibility to "play nice" because of the cult, I mean, religion thing.

Problem 2: I was intimidated by this rich kids money and status.

Net result: a lot of guilt for not beating the shit out of the rich kid. This has led to my love for the underdog. Now that I am a little older, I hate people that walk around in life beating the shit out of people. I met up with rich kid in our cult private college. I stole his VHS movies. I still have them. I don't feel guilty about it.

Couple of years later, rich kid's dad cheats on rich kid's mom. I feel bad for rich kid, a little. Then I realize that the adults are the idiots. Most of the time bad kids are a product of poor parenting skills.

Lesson: being rich isn't all it is cracked up to be.

I still feel guilty about not sticking up for my little bro when the rich kid punched him. If I had it to do over again I wish I would have beat the hell out of rich kid.

"Me of Little Faith"

2010-06-07T05:23:00.000-06:00

I was at a Barnes and Noble in Arlington, Texas with my niece and I needed a book to read. I picked up two and told her to pick. Her choice: Lewis Black's "Me of Little Faith".

There's nothing worse (for me) than being on the road without a book in hand. It honestly makes the time go by, especially in airports and/or long lines.

It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be (Black warned me in the preface), but it had it's bright moments. One chapter titled, 19th Newark Airport Breakdown was hilarious. Bust a gut laughing funny. By far the funniest and most enjoyable chapter of the book. I recommend this book based on this one chapter. Better yet, the next time you hit a book store, pick this one up and flip to chapter 19. You won't be disappointed.

So what is a comic writing a book on religion for? "Because I think it's taken too seriously, and anything that takes itself too seriously is open to ridicule." Smack! Gotcha.

Let me leave you with Black's word of advice, "So if religion has taken over your life and you don't want to think about it or laugh about it because it will upset you, DON'T READ THE GODDAMN BOOK.
EVER.
AND EVER.
AMEN."

"A Cat Walked Over My Grave"

2010-06-04T22:55:00.000-06:00

I just had that chill run down the spine of my back. You know, the one that makes you involuntarily shiver a little bit? Every time that happens I think about the phrase, "a cat just walked over my grave." For some reason I have it stuck in my head now and I wanted to find out the origin. Here's what I found doing a search on Google.

There are several variations to this phrase: "a ghost walked over my grave", "somebody walked over my grave", "a rabbit has walked over my grave", "a goose has walked over my grave".

In my part of the world, Midwest U.S., it was always the cat walking over my grave.

I found variations to this saying on websites in Canada and England as well as here in the U.S. This UK website claims that the saying "Someone is walking over my grave" originated in the 18th Century, but is a play off of an even older Middle Ages saying in England. Apparently this saying is the original.

One person seems to have summed it up best, phrases like this are "superstitious hangovers from the days of witchcraft/angels etc, when people believed they were constantly being offered signs and warnings of distant or future events."

Ok, break time over. Get back to work!

"Highest Duty"

2010-03-01T07:40:00.001-06:00

I finished another book the other day while sitting in an airport in Milwaukee. On January 15, 2009 U.S. Airways Flight 1549 crash landed in the Hudson River. Everyone aboard the plane survived. Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger tells his story.

The theme of this book is preparation. It is almost as if Captain Sullenberger spent his entire life preparing for Flight 1549. That in and of itself makes me pause in wonder.

Aside from the idea that it is important for us to prepare ourselves for the unthinkable or unknowable there were a lot of other thoughts that I extracted from the book.

At one point Sully made the observation that he had flown thousands of flights, but the media only judged him on one; Flight 1549. Sully says, “We need to do the right thing every time, to perform at our best, because we never know which moment in our lives we'll be judged by.” And not that I particularly care about what others think of me, but the first thing to pop in my head when I read this was Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. I know, I know this makes absolutely no sense to me either. But I thought Clinton was a rather fine President. Then he janked it up at the end by messing around with an intern. What a legacy is that?

Another quote, “but with diligence, preparation, judgment, and skill, you could minimize your risks.” At this point in the book Sully is talking about being a fighter pilot in the Air Force. He had several close friends that died in accidents. Early on Sully worked hard to learn as much as he could about the dangers of flying in order to minimize the risks of having an accident himself. And in the event that he was in a perilous situation he could get out of it by drawing upon his vast knowledge.

Towards the end of the book he tells us that he recognizes that in some respects he has let his wife and daughters down because he has had to travel a lot for work or other career related functions. This has caused him to miss out on the lives of his children and wife. He says at one point that there is no do over. Once opportunities are missed they are forever gone.

After thoughts: Sully spent 40 years of his life training for one defining moment. All of the years he spent in preparation, learning from the mistakes (plane crashes) of others, collided at one point in time in his life and the lives of 154 other people. His training, often times self-taught, gave him the ability to deal with a dangerous situation and end up with a positive outcome.

”Highest Duty” by Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger

"Made In America"

2010-02-23T17:11:00.002-06:00

Sam Walton was the leading pioneer for change in the five and dime stores also known as “variety” stores. Wal-Mart started from a one store operation into the massive behemoth it is today.

There are so many little nuggets of advice to learn from Sam Walton's book “Made in America” that it would be impossible for me to put them all down here without rewriting it. Here are a few pieces of advice that are personally poignant for me at this point in my life and career.

Nugget # 1: Patience. It was eight years from the time he opened his first store until the time he opened his second. Contrast that with the hundreds of stores Wal-Mart now opens every year. A lot of work, sweat, and passion went into the first eight years of the business.

Nugget # 2: People. 1) get the right people on the team and 2) give those people the maximum amount of authority to do their job to the best of their abilities.

Nugget # 3: Change. Change must be a constant. The top level executives must be change agents. Sometimes change for the sake of change is a good thing. Sam listed a couple of instances in his build up of Wal-Mart where he would change things just to get people thinking in new directions. But more importantly the ability to adapt and change to the environment is extremely beneficial to the long term growth of an organization.

Nugget # 4: Competitors. Embrace the competition. Learn what they are doing right and then copy it.

Nugget # 5: Criticism. Over the years Wal-Mart has come under a lot of scrutiny and criticism from the way they treat their employees to the way that they impact the mom and pop organizations to the amount of product that they purchase from places outside the United States. Sam addressed all of these issues and after reading his responses I have enormous respect for him and the company he built. More than anything his rebuttals reminded me that there is another side to every story and the media is mainly a bunch of chicken hawks that have never really jumped in to the arena themselves. Criticism is good and definitely an essential thing for a person or organization to hear. But it is also critical to keep in mind the character and motives of the people that are doing the criticizing.

This was a fantastic book for me to read because it arrived at a point in my life where I can personally implement some of the ideas and philosophies that Sam lived by and established in Wal-Mart. I thoroughly enjoy it when I read a book and say to myself, “yeah, that's a good idea, I can implement something like that right now in my life.”

Made In America by Sam Walton

Jim McInerney

2010-02-10T19:03:00.002-06:00

"You gotta be able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and feel good about what you're doing with your life. If you're not then maybe it's time for a change." Jim McInerney, great manager, awesome teacher. Passed away Monday. I hope I never forget the lessons he passed on to me.

I received a call from a former business partner today informing me that one of the most influential people in my career passed away Monday night/Tuesday morning.

I have not talked with Jim in a few years, but he passed along some valuable advice that has motivated me to live my life with more... purpose. For a long time I lived my life according to some outsiders idea of how I needed to live it. Whether it was my employer, my clergy, my fellow citizens, I have always felt pressured to conform to the norms. You wake up, go to work, treat people nice, go home, sleep and do it again tomorrow. It doesn't matter if you disagree with the "truth" of society, just do it.

Even though Jim was a company man, in some respects, he liked his job. He liked the responsibilities that he had and he was good at it. He knew how to relate to his employees and he knew how to communicate calmly with management. He was one of those people my friend Austin says is the glue that keeps companies held together.

I was just thinking about Jim the other day. I actually thought about calling him. Guess I should have. Weird. Damn. I really wish I had called him. Just to say a final thank you and farewell. But I'm not going to dwell upon that. Jim was one of the best bosses I ever had. He helped set me down a path that has served me well despite the setbacks and frustrations. Wish more people were like Jim. I wish I was more like him.

Peace out Jim. Thank you and farewell.

Childhood Dreams

2010-01-26T19:50:00.003-06:00

I finished a book last night titled "The Last Lecture". It was written by Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow.

You may remember Randy from a couple years ago. He was dying from pancreatic cancer and he gave a "last lecture" speech at Carnegie Mellon University. The basic premise being if you only had one speech left to give what would it be about?

This was Randy's last speech because he was dying.

I watched the speech in 2008 and I even posted about it on here somewhere, I think, but after reading the book it left me in a bit of a daze. I knew I wanted to post something again, but I was left with so many thoughts running around in my brain that I didn't know how or what to say in a few short sentences that might mean anything.

Reading the words from a man that had terminal cancer and realizing that these were the last thoughts and words that he would ever speak left me somewhat humble. I thought about his words all day today. As I worked on shipping another instrument out the door, as I answered the phone, as I used an instant messagner, during meetings, etc. All I could think about was the words and thoughts of Randy Pausch.

Rarely do I find myself inspired to rise above; push forward; suck it up. I am sure that this is because of some fault of my own. Randy's words inspire me. They inspire me to keep pursuing my dreams, to risk my life (comfort zone), to find a way to help other people. And so that's it. That's what I have to say about this book. It inspires me.

http://www.thelastlecture.com/

Jack: Straight From the Gut

2010-01-11T19:39:00.002-06:00

So, I'm not much into New Years Resolutions, but I made a few this year. They are more life goals that I hope to start down the path of than resolutions.

One goal I have is to begin reading more on a consistent basis. The first book I started and finished this year was "Jack: Straight From the Gut" by Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric.

This was a phenomenal book because Jack (and co-author John A. Byrne) presented his basic business philosophy and then backed it up with how his philosophy was implemented and then finally what the results were.

One brief example that I want to share is Jack's philosophy of "People First, Strategy Second." Not only did GE, under Jack's leadership, promote and mentor the hard working employees, but he realized that having the right people in the right positions would do far more than any strategy could accomplish.

In his words, "We learned the hard way that we could have the greatest strategies in the world. Without the right leaders developing and owning them, we'd get good-looking presentations and so-so results."

With my limited experience working with people I have found this to be a profound truth. If there is dead weight it MUST be trimmed and cut in order for the organization to succeed. This is an absolute prerequisite for victory.

As a small business owner the main critique I have is that throughout his career with GE, Jack had the prime opportunity to succeed. He worked for a company that had the capital to back up the risks. Millions and billions of dollars were at his disposal to implement the ideas that he had. A small business owner lacks money; capital. This requires a small business owner to create and build a company through ingenious ways. Some of Jack's ideas would be very difficult to implement without the proper funding. However, overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was refreshing and encouraging to read a success story.

http://www.amazon.com/Jack-Straight-Gut-Welch/dp/0446690686/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263261128&sr=8-1

Scent of a Woman

2009-12-31T18:59:00.001-06:00

Ok, for all you ladies out there that might be reading this I get it if you do not like this movie, or think it is all that great, but I absolutely love it. It's a guy flick no doubt. Maybe I like it because here is a hard ass, Al Pacino, and some kid comes in and breaks through his hard ass mentality. As I get older it becomes easier and easier for me to close up, shut down, clam up, internalize. It is comforting for me to hermitize myself. This movie breaks down those barriers and calls on men (and all people really) to rise up outside of their comfort zone and stand up for what they believe. We need more of this shit in our world today.

So here's to that: Happy New Year. Now go out there and live with honesty and integrity.

UP - Gran Torino Style

2009-12-29T18:35:00.003-06:00

So I saw the movie UP this last weekend while I was snowed in during Christmas. Then I was poking around on YouTube and found this UP - Gran Torino style. If you haven't seen Gran Torino you need to take the time to watch it. I love that movie. UP is a good one too!

Here's a link to some good scenes from Gran Torino:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtk7U-9bUJQ

About a Boy

2009-12-22T20:51:00.002-06:00

There are a lot of scenes in this movie that really "get" to me. The main one is when Grant's character realizes that we can get a lot more out of life by spending it with people. Besides, Hugh Grant and Rachel Weisz are both HOT and two of my favorite actors.

Dark Thirty

2009-11-25T06:23:00.000-06:00

Dark Thirty is now 5:15pm. Last summer it was 9:30pm. Here's a picture of my back yard at 6:30pm.

The Christian advice about worry* is one of the most difficult things for me to conquer.

I know that life, my life anyway, is filled with instability. Change is real in my world; in all of our worlds. Everyday something is changing. Sometimes significant and other times not so much. As I plow through a "crisis" and things begin to stabilize for a minute, I often look back and think, "that which does not kill us will make us stronger". I have no idea what the context was when Friedrich Nietzsche made this particular statement, but taken at face value I think I say this to myself as some sort of validation that the "crisis" was worth the fight or some sort of comfort to help me cope with the change that crisis brings.

As I'm in the middle of "crisis" I will remember this phrase. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I start thinking, "Well, maybe it is ok. Maybe there is a point to this madness." Occasionally it helps; often it does not.

The other morning I woke up at 1am. My thoughts immediately went to the things that worry me and as I was laying there, staring off in to the black night, as black as it is an hour after Dark Thirty, I thought about the struggles. The pain. The shame in some respects. The people I have let down. The work that needs to be completed, started, carried on. And god the debts, the I owe yous. These are the things that keep me up. Oh, and let's not forget the relationships and all the weight that they carry.

I find very little comfort in this life. Sure, there are brief moments when I feel relaxed (sex and booze). But in the end, I am left with my thoughts. The same goes for any other "drug" I take. It always ends up with the thoughts, the voices, in my head. I look up to the Heavens and wonder what the hell is going on, what the hell am I doing here, why does this even matter, does it matter, etc, etc, etc...? The questions are infinite.

Some find comfort in God. In religion. In the relationships that they have formed with fellow religious sectarians. But I find very little comfort there. To be completely honest I find little comfort anywhere. I suppose the most comfort I feel comes from personal relationships; from the handful of people that even remotely get me or care to. But at the end of the day, or the beginning, I am left with the thoughts that I am alone. That the decisions I have to make are mine to make. There is no one else that can or will make them.

On any given day all of us have to make decisions, how will we treat people, how will we find a way to do our jobs and responsibilities and duties. Will we sleep in bed until noon or get our happy little asses up and make a happy little life for ourselves?

I think part of my frustration (pressure, worry) comes from the fact that I have no idea how to break the cycle of (my) life and I have no idea where to find comfort. Maybe it is this feeling I have every now and then that prompts me to ask, what is the value of my life? What is the purpose of it and who cares? Why should I care?

Where have you found comfort (peace)?

*"Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater than food, and the body than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure to his stature or to the span of his life?

And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.

Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence was not arrayed like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

For the Gentiles wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

But seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness, and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble."

Song of the Week: Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars

2009-11-12T05:23:00.000-06:00

I have been hearing this song on Alt Nation and thought I would share it. The lead vocalist is Jared Leto. He has been in several movies and from what Wikipedia says his brother actually started the band back in 1998. I like their sound and might check out their upcoming album, This is War.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/30_Seconds_to_Mars

Death Penalty

2009-11-10T20:34:00.002-06:00

John Allen Muhammad, the DC sniper, was executed tonight. They are saying that he was peaceful when he died. One gentleman just stated that he hopes that the families will find some sort of closure with this execution.

Another man, Muhammad's trial lawyer, stated that this whole chain of events was a tragedy. Muhammad was apparently abused a child, he served in Gulf War 1, and his kids were taken from him. He snapped. Was he mentally unstable? What purpose did his execution serve? Was his execution truly just?

I struggle with this whole topic. I can certainly understand, though limited, with the victims families. If my family member were harmed by another person I have a pretty good idea of how I would want to respond. I would be angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, etc.

Then I see, or hear or described, this man being led to his execution. His death.

I truly have no idea what the "right" answer is. In all honesty, I have no idea what the "right" answer is. Most people that I have come to know on a personal level struggle with things every day of their lives. It is true that most of us, thank god, do not act upon these ideas, emotions, desires in a way that harms other people. Why do most of us hold our lives together and then there are others, like Muhammad, that do not? Why is that?

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Country Death Song"

2009-10-11T20:47:00.000-06:00

Ok. This is it for the Violent Femmes tribute.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Kiss Off"

2009-10-04T20:38:00.000-06:00

During my angry period this song was a great outlet.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Add it Up"

2009-09-29T20:37:00.002-06:00

This song is bad ass.

Song of the Week: Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun"

2009-09-22T18:21:00.001-06:00

Do you remember the bands that helped you form yourself in your youth? Maybe some people don't have those bands, but I do. The Violent Femmes. So many memories come flooding back when I listen to their music. My next few songs in the Song of the Week club are going to come from the Violent Femmes. God I love this band.

Song of the Week: Johnny Cash "The Man Comes Around"

2009-09-17T04:56:00.000-06:00

I wish I could have seen him perform live.

Ohio State Loses to USC

2009-09-13T00:52:00.002-06:00

I was a little unsure of how today was going to end up, but now I know it was a good day. During the bachelor party we were cruising bars in the old market and several had the USC vs Ohio State game playing. I just found out that USC won 18-15. What a day this was!!!! Anytime Ohio State loses is a reason to celebrate.

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/32815691/ns/sports-college_football/

Zero

2009-09-11T23:47:00.002-06:00

"He had come at last to zero, to a dark place where he had not only accomplished nothing; he had actually made matters worse. It was an awful truth, but a truth nonetheless, that coming to zero could deepen a person, could give one more to live for than one would ever have had otherwise - if it did not destroy him, if it did not devour hope beyond the spirit's capacity for recall.

"In that cold, empty room, with nothing except the very real possibility that he could let himself die of minor wounds, let himself die of guilt and despair -

"If you die, idiot - if you fold up and die like a wimp - who will watch after her?

"Who will watch her grow up?

"Suddenly Richard Sinclair was weeping, trying to find some last remnant of the demon Hope, weeping because he feared she was lost to him, and because there was nothing else to cling to." Page 407, Dust, Charles Pellegrino.

When I read this passage I had to reread it. Multiple times. It is profound insight into the minds of what some people go through when they have risked everything and are faced with the reality that failure after failure has cost them almost everything they considered to be valuable. The enormity of the situation, the expense of the war, the wounds of battle, have beaten them to a bloody pulp [zero]. A failure on a grand scale that impacts more than the person making the decisions.

This passage is real; for me.

The story does not end here. Richard rises up and moves forward. Richard is the man President Theodore Roosevelt describes, "who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Richard failed in his own estimation, but because he persisted he was triumphant. He never saw his victory, but history would remember him as the man who "strives valiantly."

**A special thank you to my new friend for loaning me this book.

Song of the Week: BM LINX "The Outlaw Jimmy Rose"

2009-09-09T20:31:00.002-06:00

I like to listen to this song with just about any state of mind. Drunk, tired, depressed, pissed, happy, driving down the interstate doing mach 9. It makes me feel good.

Song of the Week: The Gossip "Heavy Cross"

2009-08-31T20:42:00.004-06:00

Flashback! Some of us are returning to the late 70s and early 80s!

This is the cool video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU3VbMGIZeE

Friday Night: Rocco's Death

2009-08-29T23:06:00.005-06:00

Dinner: Pizza and wings and wine.

She stepped outside. The red and orange on the horizon was beautiful. The sun had fallen below the tree line, but it had not completely extinguished for the day. The dogs, the little one and Ms. Piggy, ran out underneath her feet.

He poured some Captain in her glass of Coke and walked through the door onto the upper tier of the back deck.

“Jobi, Pepper get in the house now. Jobi, Pepper get in the house now. Jobi, Pepper get in the house. GET IN THE HOUSE.”

He was in a daze. It was most likely a combination of the two glasses of wine, his wife yelling commands at the dogs, and the bizarre noises coming from the neighbor’s yard. What is that noise?

“Jeremy. There is something over there. There must be some other animal over there. JOBI, PEPPER GET IN THE HOUSE.” As the dogs ran up the steps he ushered the dogs into the house. She was in the middle of the yard, “There is something over there Jeremy. What is over there I can’t see what’s over there.” Jeremy walked on the lower part of the deck towards the neighbor’s fence. Jesus, what was that noise, he thought to himself, what the hell is happening over there?

The world was cartoon like. It was an odd sensation. His wife was by his side. His dogs were safely in the house. He looked through the slats in the fence.

“They’re stuck. They’re stuck.” He ran to the gate, opened it, rushed across the side yard, jumped down the retaining wall. The world seemed to get brighter. The light shining through the trees. God it was so dim, but it was clearer than he had ever seemed to remember. On his way to the neighbor’s backyard gate he rang their door bell twice. His flip flop fell off his foot. He went back twice for it. God damn it. Why didn’t he have his shoes on?

There was a concrete block in front of the gate. He dug his fingers under the block and he felt the cool dirt fill the space under his nails. He flipped the latch on the gate and tossed it open.

He turned the corner of the backside of his neighbor’s house. God, his house looked different from this perspective. The world was different from this point of view. Huh. Amazing.

Jack’s lower jaw was twisted around Rocco’s collar. For a brief second Rocco looked at him. The sad eyes. The eyes were beginning to droop. Rocco was giving up. Rocco was leaving. In a split second the eyes lost it. They lost their spark. Shit.

He ran to them. Jack was struggling. Jack was still on his feet but his lower jaw was twisted and deformed with the collar. That has to hurt; bad, he thought. The collar had become a part of Jack’s face. They were intertwined as one. He tried to release the collar but it was pressed into Rocco’s skin so tightly that he could not unloosen it from Jack's jaw. The latch to the collar was twisted around Jack's lower jaw in such an odd way. Jack was stuck on the lifeless body of Rocco.

She magically appeared behind him. “I need something to cut Rocco's collar off. I can’t get them apart. Shit. Go get something quick,” he yelled at her. She ran back to the house as he continued to get the dogs apart. God damn it. His blood was racing. What the hell do I do? He thought. Think man. Think god damn it. Fuck. She seemed to be taking forever.

He ran back to his house, opened the door through the garage yelling for her. He ran back to the neighbors and she was trying to cut through the collar with a dull box cutter knife. “It’s not working,” she screamed in desperation. For a brief second, a second that felt like an eternity, he stood there watching. His one thought was, fuck, what the fuck do I do. He ran back to his garage. He grabbed a hedge trimmer (shit), he grabbed the branch clippers (this is taking too fucking long) and he hurriedly took three other gardening tools.

Over in the neighbor’s backyard she was trying her hardest to get the dogs apart with the dull box cutter. He threw the tools on the ground next to the dogs and grabbed one of them. The small one with the curved blades and the red handles.

“Keep hold of Jack and I’ll cut.” He was pressing hard against Rocco’s neck. Damn the collar was tight against Rocco’s neck. “Rocco’s dead. Think of Jack. Just cut the fucking collar off,” the thoughts accelerated as the seconds past. He dug the cutter deep into Rocco’s neck. He pressed harder than he had ever pressed his hand against a body. It was a flash. “I can’t get the collar cut, shit.”

“Try the branch cutter, it is sharper,” she said and as he reached for it; the collar snapped and broke loose.

"It's off. It's off," she shouted. Jack ran towards the back corner of the yard; thankful to be loose no doubt. Jack didn’t know these people. These people weren’t his humans. Who the hell were these people? Jack was visibly shaken. The living dog walked over to his dead companion and began to sniff. The couple stood there in shock. She looked at him, then Jack. “Come here Jack. It’s okay Jack. Come here.” She walked toward Jack and he ran towards the back of the yard again. She is so amazing with animals, he thought. She always knows what to do with them. She knows how to gain their confidence. He was glad to be her partner.

“Hey babe. Just grab the tools,” he was tired. He was crashing from the drop in adrenaline. It was hitting him all at once.

“We have to make sure Jack is okay. We can’t leave him here.” Jack was trotting back towards Rocco as they backed away towards the gate.

“We’ll come back for him babe. Jack needs to say goodbye to his buddy. Just grab the tools. We will come back for him.”

They gathered the tools and walked out the gate. He latched the gate shut and placed the concrete block in front of it to make sure that Jack would not escape. As he turned the corner into the neighbor’s front yard he almost collapsed. She was a few feet in front of him. It hit them both at the same moment. It was over, but in some ways it had just begun. The emotions hit them both. They both had tears.

Time seemed to stand still. How long had it been?

They threw the tools in the garage, checked on Pepper and Jobi, grabbed Pepper’s leash, and went back for Jack.

"Change is Good. Revolutions are better."

2009-08-28T09:48:00.001-06:00

"People are not buying these concepts that are completely foreign to America," [Senator] Inhofe said. "We're almost reaching a revolution in this country."

http://www.chickashanews.com/local/local_story_239102559.html/

Song of the Week: Hey Champ "Gold Dust Girl"

2009-08-24T08:07:00.000-06:00

I like this song because it reminds me of how similar we are today to the people from times past (think 80s).

Song of the Week: Santogold "Lights Out"

2009-08-18T19:53:00.003-06:00

I love this song. It reminds me of my sister Shar!!! LOL!! I expect to see her singing it on YouTube!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwNkuw-YTVo

How is your day going?

2009-08-12T18:47:00.002-06:00

Song of the Week: The Limousines "Very Busy People"

2009-08-12T05:42:00.000-06:00

The link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuXOao6jBoM

Soccer and My Bro

2009-08-06T23:13:00.001-06:00

Here's a video by/with Rivers Cuomo (Weezer lead singer) that made me think of my bro.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLcPOD6fLd0

Song of the Week: Ida Maria's "Oh My God"

2009-08-05T06:44:00.000-06:00

Oh My God

Here's the Link: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=25815570

Road Rules U.S.A.

2009-08-04T06:50:00.004-06:00

Here are a few rules of the road in the U.S. of A.

Interstate and other four lane (two each direction) roads:

1. If you are going to drive the speed limit get OUT OF THE LEFT (FAST) LANE. [This is # 1 for a reason.] When you hold up traffic by driving the speed limit in the left lane you can be ticketed in places like Missouri. It is inconsiderate for sure, but it is also dangerous. Move over slow poke.

2. You can typically get away with going 5-10 mph over the limit. But check your local listings. Also, this is a little more dangerous if you are in an area you do not know well. At home I know where most of the speed traps are so I crank it up a little more than when I'm driving in a foreign city.

3. Cops that ticket for minor traffic violations during rush hour need to be fired. This is so dangerous and resource draining. Rubberneckers will hold up traffic and cause accidents. People are late for work which causes them and/or their companies to lose productivity/money/etc.

Side Note:
4. 18 Wheelers (semis, tractor trailers, etc) - These people are freaky dangerous. Some are serial killers, some text while driving, some sleep while driving, some drive like maniacs by pulling in front of you and cutting you off almost causing you to ram in to the car next to you or head for the ditch. I love the laws that larger cities have in place. No vehicles over three axles in the left two lanes. This is awesome and should be implemented nation wide. Better yet. What if we just made a special lane for these travelers? A dedicated lane for the truckers. Kind of like a railroad track. Only allow them to enter major metro areas through certain roads. I think it could work.

Anti-Depressants

2009-08-03T16:37:00.001-06:00

Oh my. This is so funny to me.

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N03411375.htm

Why is it ok for people to take prescription drugs but not one's that are natural (pot)? This is why I have no faith in our society. We are idiots.

Let people smoke cigarettes without discriminating against them. You can take drugs, but only the ones that the government claims are ok?

Where are the public service announcements about prescription drugs?

Money.

God

2009-07-31T19:48:00.000-06:00

Why do you believe?

One for the road

2009-07-30T22:23:00.002-06:00

Two days ago I switched from Copenhagen Chewing Tobacco to nicotine gum. It's like switching from one bad habit to another (It's all bull shit folks).

And the thing is; I'm ok. Kinda. I mean, this thing called life is... yeah, you guessed it... bull shit folks.

Here's my deal right now. If God can't take the time to beat me over the head with what it means for me to be going through all of this "bull shit" then I'm going to go on thinking about how effed up it is. And what exactly does that get me? baaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkk, wrong question. What doesn't this get me? This doesn't get me anything. I'm still in the same effed up position I was 20 seconds ago.

So, for all you positive pellies out there. Gawd bless ya. Good luck to ya. We don't relate. C ya on the other side. Maybe.

clarification

2009-07-30T22:17:00.002-06:00

Positive Christian: "What did you just say?"

Christ Following Realist: "I said, it's all bull shit folks."

PC: "You can't say that."

CFR: "Why?"

PC: "Because it is too negative. We live in a society of values and we value things like clean (free by our definition) speech. This is truth."

CFR: "Is truth always a positive?"

PC: "Yes. We praise God because God is great. God is good. God is awesome."

CFR: "Ok, have fun with your "god" thing. Adios amigo."

2009-07-30T22:07:00.002-06:00

I wonder if blogs will die. After I posted my last comment there was an advertisement about learning Hebrew. I guess it might have had something to do with all the "god" comments. Guess blogger (google) is losing some $. Oh, wait, didn't I hear something about that? Nothing in life is free, right?

Oh, btw, Uncle Sam is effing me up the ass right now. Here's something for you.

Christians are mostly pro-America. America was founded by a bunch of anti-government rabble rousers that thought they had a better way. The Bible says "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's". Why? Because the government somehow protects us from all the B.S. Well, if this is true then why do we (Christians) support our government? Our government rebelled from our previous government. God told us to remain loyal to our government (previous).

Here's the deal. Christians today that are patriotic to their country are frick'n retarded because they are missing a key point to the whole following Christ thing. It's all bull shit folks.

long time

2009-07-30T22:00:00.002-06:00

Life is so ... (thinking, thinking) short. Paul, the dude that wrote most of the N.T., is a Christian. He made a comment one time. "To live is Christ, to die is gain." The longer I live the more I understand that comment.

Life sucks. For me, life sucks because I don't have an effing clue wtf is going on. I mean seriously. What the hell is going on with life? Help a few people out, enjoy the scenery, walk the dogs (kids), go on vacation, blah, blah, blah... For what.

I read this book called "The Shack". It's a popular Christian book these days. And I sort of got it, but there was something nagging. Why? There is always the why and the why is going to follow all of us to the grave.

Anyway, have a good night. Hope you figure out what you're here for. I'm still a search'n.

Roach Motels

2009-07-22T18:12:00.001-06:00

I like roach motels as long as they have an internet connection. Sure, the carpet might be soggy, the bathrooms look like something out of the 70s or 80s, and the place might be in a crappy part of town, but the value is the best. How often can you pay 50 bucks or less and get a warm/cool place to sleep with wireless internet while on the road? Is another 50 bucks worth the luxury of "better" hotels? Well, sometimes yea. Like last night I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and to me that is luxury. It feels more like home. Nice furniture. It was super clean. And they actually have edible food for the "continental" breakfast. But roach motels have their place. I get to hang with the truckers and transients and save a few bucks.

Tumblr.com

2009-07-03T21:26:00.002-06:00

http://www.tumblr.com/popular

Different type of site.

Here's what would be cool. A website that allowed users to blog, tweet, facebook, and play games. Ok, there you go, get to it, chop, chop.

Out and About - Omaha

2009-06-09T12:15:00.000-06:00

My company shares a building with a sound and lighting company. The customers of the sound and lighting company love to park in front of our building. Normally it is no big deal, but last Saturday when I pulled into my parking lot this huge butt head was blocking my door. Get out the way dude!!! Give me some room man!!!

Out and About - Kansas City

2009-06-08T12:07:00.000-06:00

Some of my favorite art is early Christian pre-1500s. This reliquary houses a finger from St. John the Baptist. Ok, no, I do not believe that is Jesus' cousin's finger bone. But it's old and I wonder who this finger belonged too. This piece of art is at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum in Kansas City. The Nelson-Atkins museum is one of my favorite art museums in the U.S. Though it is small compared to New York, Chicago and L.A., there are some very interesting pieces here. This is one of them.

Here is a link to a clearer picture of this piece:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lifeontheedge/2710704066/

Out and About - Seattle

2009-06-07T11:57:00.000-06:00

I was in Seattle a few weeks ago and I arrived at the customer's site a little early. They weren't quite ready for me. So I drove down the street to a McDonald's for a cup of their fine gourmet coffee. While I sat in their parking lot contemplating my life I saw this image, grabbed my cell phone, and took a picture.

I love Canada

2009-06-06T23:44:00.003-06:00

I'm becoming less and less fond of my government (U.S.) When I read stories like this, Canadians angered over Buy American, I am reminded of how inept my (U.S.) politicians really are. Bush 2 was a moron when it came to economics (see his anti-Canada and anti-capitalist policies) and it seems like the Democrats, under Madame Pelosi and Prez Obama, are no better.

Canada is a country of ~30 million people; roughly the same as California. We (U.S. Government) have disrespected them since our nation's founding and it is pathetic.

Solution: Absolute Free Trade. No restrictions on trade with Canada. Open our markets up to them with no strings attached. Treat them like our States trade with one another. Easy. Even if Canada continues to tax U.S. goods going into their country who cares. If we allow Canadian companies to ship whatever they want into the U.S. without tariffs or trade restrictions it would help all of us. It would lower the costs of goods that us middle class folks buy.

Reality: Our government is full of money grubbing retards. Don't look for my solution to come about any time soon.

It is definitely time for change. Real change. Not the fake crap we hear about on t.v. or the rhetoric coming out of Washington.

Book Of Love-Peter Gabriel

2009-05-07T12:45:00.001-06:00

I heard this song last night on the Scrubs series finale.

"a fine day"

2009-04-19T05:17:00.000-06:00

Every year or two I read a Willa Cather novel. She writes about a past that sheds light on the present.

I was reading in bed a few nights ago and I turned to my wife, "I really love Willa Cather. She is one of my favorite authors."

"Ok dear. You just like her because she's from Nebraska."

"Hey wait a sec. That's true, but she won a Pulitzer for this book, she was born in Virginia, grew up in Nebraska, lived in New York, traveled to Europe and besides, her writing style just connects with me." My defense was concrete.

"Ok babe. I'm going to sleep now."

Yeah, whatever, I thought.

I'm reading "One of Ours" by Willa Cather. Page four, "It was a fine day to go to the circus at Frankfort, a fine day to do anything; the sort of day that must, somehow, turn out well."

Ever had a day like that? Where you woke up and just knew it was going to be a good day?

I turned to sleeping wife after I read her this quote and said, "it has been a really long time since I've felt like that."

"Oh brother," she sighed, "you're so melodramatic sometimes. What about our vacation to North Carolina? You didn't wake up thinking that on any of those seven mornings?"

What am I supposed to say to that? It was trouble any way I looked at it.

Years Apart

2009-04-18T22:22:00.003-06:00

When I downloaded the pictures from our trip to North Carolina in March I saw this picture of me and immediately thought of this picture of my grandfather. In some ways we weren't so different.

Airport Confessions

2009-04-07T21:22:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in the Raleigh airport. It was early; maybe 6am or so. I read the USA Today, tossed it on the seat next to me, and checked facebook on my phone. You know, one of those phones you don't really want, but your coworker talks you into it. A phone that does everything.

A black guy was sitting not to far from me. He looked like an average guy. He had a red suitcase. I have a red suitcase. Ball cap, clean cut, pants sagging a bit, but not thuggish. After an hour or so it occurred to me that he was like the only black person within site. I got up to hit the head and when I came back I was looking around and he was still the only black person around.

My thought, what if I lived in a society and I was in a situation where nobody looked like me? It feels weird.

I wonder how the dude with the red suitcase feels.

Note to self

2009-04-07T19:54:00.000-06:00

32. Back hurts since yesterday.

Gettin Bit

2009-03-27T13:57:00.002-06:00

"Brazil’s President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva on Thursday blamed the global economic crisis on 'white people with blue eyes' and said it was wrong that black and indigenous people should pay for white people’s mistakes."

This is a fairly ignorant accusation by the president of Brazil. Is he indigenous or did he come from Portuguese decent? All of us carry around biases about people. It might be race, but it also might be language, religion or a whole host of other reasons. So I'm not going to hold Prez Silva's ignorance against him. I know I say stupid and ignorant things sometimes.

But the thing that really bothers me about Prez Silva's statement is his lack of responsibility. Non-white people are just as much a part of the problem as white people. The current economic problem is due to a wide range of mistakes; i.e. greed. Greed has a tendency to affect whites, blacks, browns, half breeds, etc.

Since Prez Silva wants to lump me in with the term "white" I wonder if he would appreciate being called a derogatory term based on his skin color. I mean what's the difference? He calls me white, but what the heck does that mean? I come from at the very least five different nationalities. I'm not exactly a purebred.

If people do not want to take responsibility for their own predicament then I have little sympathy for them.

On a side note:
Sometimes the past has a habit of coming back and biting us.

Since the late 1400s the white man has been treating other races like crap. Things started to change with the European whites in the 1800s and then the US in the 1960s, but it wasn't soon enough apparently.

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/ae4957e8-1a5f-11de-9f91-0000779fd2ac.html

My World is Coming to an End

2009-03-26T20:06:00.003-06:00

I often wonder if I am headed in the right direction. Have I made the right decisions? I know I've made mistakes, but have I made the right "Big" decisions?

I have always been taught that if we believe in God and listen to his word, the Bible, then we will be okay. I sort of believe that and I definitely believe there is a higher power out there, but the Bible doesn't give me a full perspective on life. Maybe it's the time difference; the fact that the great book was written 2000+ years ago.

We visited Yorktown, VA. The last major battle of the US revolutionary war against the English. The Americans were outnumbered, out gunned, and running. Washington thought that the battle of New York City was the endgame. Then the French showed up and said, "hey, we'll help you out but we are only going to go to Virginia. We will not help you in New York." Four days later Washington scrapped his attack plans for New York and had plans to move the troops 400 miles south to Virginia.

The French and Americans laid siege to Yorktown and captured 5000 British troops. 1/3 of their army in the colonies. Game over for the British. Six months prior to this battle General George Washington wrote in letters to those closest to him that he didn't see any hope for the revolution.

We also visited the Wright Brothers memorial in Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright were the first people to fly an airplane with an engine in 1903. In 1901-1902 their testing had failed. Wilbur turned to his brother and said something like this, "Not in 1000 years will man learn to fly." A year later they were flying.

These two examples in modern US history have taught me that sometimes things are not what they seem. Sometimes we give up too early. Sometimes I've been tempted to give up and these examples have given me a reason to rethink some of the doubts and worries I have been having over the last few weeks.

Lighthouses in OBX, NC

2009-03-26T19:59:00.001-06:00

Drink'n and Cuss'n

2009-03-21T22:38:00.000-06:00

On the last night of our vacation I can't sleep. Christa flies home tomorrow morning at 530 and I'm off to South Carolina and New York this week. In all honesty it was hard to stay focused on relaxing with all the crap going on in the 'real' world.

While on vacation we met John Gaskill. He is 93 years old, a WW2 Vet and his father was the last full-time care taker of this lighthouse in the Outer Banks, NC.

John is one cool guy. His stories are too many to tell here, but he wrote an autobiography which I hope to read real soon.

While taking the above picture he said, "I like getting me picture taken with young ladies like you. It's when I get my hugs."

Another quote from him:
"People often ask me how I've lived this long and I tell them there are two reasons. Drink'n and cuss'n."

To which my wife replied while pointing her finger at me, "Well that's great. That means this one is going to live a long time."

John was one of the great memories we will have while vacationing in the OBX, NC.

Oh Canada

2009-03-15T21:12:00.000-06:00

This Jeep is located in an exhibit at the Ottawa Civilizations Museum on the history of the Canadian postal service. I snapped the quick pic mainly because I like Jeeps. We own one and I just thought it was cool.

This is a photo taken from the Civilizations Museum looking across the river at Parliament Hill. For those of you that don't know, Ottawa is the national capitol of Canada.

I find it interesting how little we (US citizens) know about Canada and their history. Fact: Canada is our largest trading partner. There is a lot in the news about China, but Canada is our #1 economic friend.

As I drove around Ottawa I noticed the English influences. From the narrow roads to their form of government to their road signs.

The drive from Ottawa to the western edge of Montreal was like a drive on rural interstates in the U.S. (The only difference were the Moose crossing road signs.)

The main thing I noticed while driving into Montreal was that the English disappeared. If my Canadian friend hadn't told me about the Montreal road rules I'm sure I would have broken a few. We met at a bookstore, grabbed a bite at a sports bar, and walked around a mall. It was almost like being at home. Except...the French.

Overall, I was reminded that we (world citizens) have a lot in common. We may be separated by boundaries and language but we all have some of the same issues and concerns. It makes the world seem a little bit smaller to me. This realization is one of the things I enjoy about traveling.

Wow

2009-03-13T20:18:00.002-06:00

I just heard Bill Maher and his black homie say that Rush Limbaugh was a racist. You know, I voted for Obama, but the B.S. from the extremist left really infuriates me.

I find it humorous (and stupid) when black people and their white homies yell, "You're a racist because you don't agree with Obama's policies."

Here's what makes me angry:
1. The Above.
2. Republicans that tow the party line on social issues like abortion and gay rights.

I'm not going to say they are idio*s, but I think they're ignoran*.

Ayn Rand Rocks!